Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in tlf's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
6:45 am	E3's coming up. I can't wait. It's been stressful at work leading up to this point, so a break will be much appreciated! Current Mood: groggy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
11:24 am	Eat Off Last night was my sushi eating contest with James. He was victorious with 60 pieces of sushi to my 57. We also had a little bit of tofu and mussels along with that. Then, of course, we HAD to have dessert - strawberries, grapes, oranges, and creme brulee. I could have eaten more food, but not necessarily more sushi. Too much of raw fish and rice gets not only old, but it makes your gag reflexes kick in. Not a good thing! Luckily my senses overpowered my pride and I was able to quit before I did the regurgitation dance! :D Current Mood: full (Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
6:36 am	Easter was yesterday. I saw my niece. :D I enjoyed my mother's presence. It was nice to see my aunt is healing nicely. (She and my uncle were in a nasty head on collision on the highway where the driver of a pick-up fell asleep behind the wheel.) I miss my grandma. I miss my grandpa. (He's dead.) My grandma has been recently married to a guy nobody in the family gets along with. We think he is with her because of my grandma's money. Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
12:12 pm	Ranting in a good mood. I'm in an unusually good mood today. Two things that certainly helped: I found out that I'm for sure going to E3, and I can fit back into more of my clothes! I'm finally starting to shed my additional winter weight. I do not particularly appreciate not fitting into all of my clothes. I refuse to accomodate my wardrobe to my weight. A few months ago I had complained about needing to lose some extra pounds and people commonly responded, "Just buy some more clothes, you don't need to lose weight." I *could* go do that, but wouldn't that just be perpetuating the creeping weight syndrome?! I mean, it *could* come to a point where I would be thinking, "Man, look at me now, I should have never bought more clothes every time I gained weight." It's much easier to lose four or five pounds than it is to allow myself to be in a cycle of gaining weight and buying bigger clothes. Then there's the diet adjustment, more intense excercise, etc. Forget that! I'm not falling for the creeping weight syndrome. I'm not going to be another lazy, overweight American. Last time I checked, we have enough of those already. I am not a volunteer for that group! If that's being overly picky about my weight, so be it! The biggest factor in all this is my health. It would be in my best interest to eat well, and excersize very regularly, as I do not know a shred about my family history. I'm adopted from South Korea. So, wouldn't it suck to become one of those women whose husbands ALWAYS fantasize about the skinnier, hotter chicks and rarely fantasize about their overweight wives who let themselves go? Or vice versa.. . one of those husbands whose wives fantasize about the cut men with six-pack abs. I've gone off on this weight thing, yes. It's probably because people have often gone off on me so many times for wanting to stay a certain size. I've been cursed up and down for this and I don't get it! It's weight people! I'm not hurting anything or anybody. Oh, well. Fuck them and their fat asses. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
1:31 pm	Habanero Hell I had a moment of insanity at lunch today. I had a small bite of Katy's yesterday's leftover food from Dixie's, a place in the local area known for it's hot barbeque sauce. Now, to put this into perspective, Katy had a seizure from this food and then passed out. Ben called on his cell phone for help, and he passed out too! It has been said that another person *almost* went down as well. So, today at lunch, Katy's sitting across from me eating the leftovers. Yes, she doggy bagged the stuff that gave her a seizure and caused not one, but two and almost three people to pass out! Now, in my infinite wisdom, I decide to take it upon myself to try a bite. Here's some more perspective for ya, one star is just fine for me... two stars - forget it. Anyways, so it's really starting to hit me. I couldn't stand it. I grabbed my water and people were like, "No, that'll make it worse! Drink milk!" So, I go running into the kitchen looking for milk only to find that there wasn't any. At that point I was reaching for anything. I grabbed a saltine cracker and stuck it on my tongue. You ask why? Again, I was reaching for anything. Besides, given the circumstances, it's not like you're thinking lucidly. Horia gives me a popsicle which seems to make things better, so I go back into the lunch room. When that wore off though, the burn was still there! It was causing me to sweat so much that when I wiped the sweat off, you could see it all over my hands! I know, gross. :D A few minutes later, James, bless his little heart, comes back with milk. And then, all was well. God, I love it when we do things and then wonder why in the hell we did them or wanted to in the first place! I haven't had one of those in quite some time, so I suppose I was due. ;) (Comment on this)
Monday, April 5th, 2004
7:13 am	I wish I was closer with my parents. I visited them yesterday. It had been at least two to three months since I had done so, which is a long time for me. I have a very strained relationship with my parents. It has always been this way. No matter how much I open up to my father, he remains fairly silent. He will respond with as little as possible and sometimes won't even respond at all if a question is not involved. It really puts a strain on the conversation, and is a great deterrence for future attempts at conversation. Furthermore, he is usually in this perpetual state of discontent, which doesn't help the situation. He has always been like this. Ever since I realized (13-14 years old)that many other kids' fathers weren't like this, it bothered me a little. But, recently, within the last three to four years, it has really gotten to me. Now, I'm not sure, whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, but, my father is like this with my sister and brother as well. I don't feel left out in that respect. That isn't the case with my mother. My relationship with my mother is better and the conversations aren't nearly as strained. I can have a nice conversation with my mother, but it's never in depth. Generally, the conversation revolves around other peoples' lives rather than her own. In essence, she's a gossiper. :D She doesn't feel comfortable talking about her own feelings or herself at all. (My dad is even worse.) Consequently, I feel the same way a lot of times when I talk to her. Also, I don't feel this closeness to her (or my father) that other people have with their mothers (and fathers). I feel like they're just the people who raised me, as opposed to, "I feel like these people are my parents." I wonder if it has something to do with being adopted. I was adopted when I was a few months old. I've heard before that adopted children don't quite have a solid bond with their parents. It also doesn't help that my mother exhibits favortism toward my sister. It makes sense, I guess, since my mother was with my sister much more than she was with me growing up. My sister was in gymnastics since she was about seven years old. She displayed quite a talent for it and moved on rather quickly to the higher levels. The training center wasn't close to our house, so when my mom would take her to the gym, she would normally just watch my sister practice or go shopping to kill time. They wouldn't return home until after 9pm or so. By that time I was settled into my room and doing my own thing until I went to bed, which wasn't too long after 9pm on school nights. My sister had gymnastics six days per week. I didn't see a lot of my mom. If I wanted to see her, I would have to go to with her to my sister's practices. Although, normally, when I went with her, we'd go shopping. I couldn't do a lot of that though because I had my own sports I was into; track, fastpitch softball, volleyball, and cross-country. I wanted to excel at sports, like my sister. She got a lot of attention from my mother and father because she was so tiny and extraordinary at gymnastics. Granted, she was incredible. She competed against Olympic level gymnasts like Amy Chow, Amanda Borden, Shannon Miller, etc. But, no matter how well I did, it was never enough. My parents, both of them mind you, attended AND recorded 99% of my sisters gymnastic meets. Never once, were any of my track meets, volleyball games, softball games or cross-country meets recorded. I was lucky if one of my parents showed up at all for any of those. Attendance from my dad was more common. He showed up at a lot of my softball practices and all my games. My mom tried to show up for most of my softball games, but she wasn't there for ANY of my practices. Her attendance was more common when I was first doing my sports, but the older I got, the more that drifted - almost at an exponential rate. That always really hurt me. She left me a couple of letters outside my bedroom door wishing me luck at my meets and saying "I love you" (something that was RARELY said to us by our parents) at the end as a salutation. I still have those letters. I wonder if she did that because she knew she was paying much more attention to my sister and felt bad about the lack of it I was receiving. Regardless, in the end, she always chose my sister. She would forfeit coming to my sports events for going with my sister, but it was NEVER once the other way around. Once I was able to drive, I was really on my own. I use to think this was all normal. But then I came to a point where I knew it wasn't normal. I use to think it was because I wasn't as good at my sports as my sister was at hers. But then it I thought it was this and then that and pretty soon, I didn't know. I still don't really know why my mom felt it was okay to display such favortism. It makes me cry. It really hurts that she did this. Hell, she still does it. She calls my sister a few times a week. She calls me once or twice a month. Anyways, more on this later. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 2nd, 2004
6:22 pm	Controversial Topic Scott, a coworker, asked me what my stance is on abortion. (I do not talk to this guy much, but when I do, it's rarely boring.) And, by the way, his stance is much akin to my own. Abortion should be legal. People should have the right to make that decision for themselves, whether or not they want to terminate the pregnancy. If they don't believe in abortion, then that is their choice. I'd like to know what makes them think they have a right to impinge their morals upon others. I strongly doubt anti-abortionists would appreciate the prochoice trying to make them have an abortion under set circumstances. Yet, they feel vindicated and perfectly justified to push their beliefs onto others in the form of a law. Anyways, so much more to say, too little time. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Jagged Edge (Comment on this)